She came to me and said:
“I want to try and be especially kind to those people who I do not perceive as kind. Perhaps I want to try and ask myself: ‘why might he not seem kind to me? Why does she seem unpleasant to me?’”
“Maybe trauma, maybe abuse,” she continued,
“maybe loneliness,… these are some common possibilities.
Maybe linguistic difference or the habit of applying a different style or medium of communication from mine.”
Then she paused for a few seconds. It felt long, continued:
“It’s perhaps more difficult to stomach if it is because they are wired differently or because they have not yet mastered the tools to temper their will or wilds.”
She looked at me with a slight expression of fear and asked in a softest voice: “Could it be there is a human out there who is unable to be my kind of kind?”
She kept exploring with more vigor and speed:
“Maybe they don’t know any better as to how I see my kind of kindness. If I have not yet shown them, repeatedly, my kind of kindness, if they have not experienced what I fuzzily identify as kindness… if they grew up in an environment void of my style of kindness, then maybe it is too easy for me to dictate to her, or him, to be kind?”
She asked but didn’t seem in search for that one clear all encompassing answer. She was on a roll:
“Though if I am then reminding myself that, to them, my demand for kindness might be void of actionable meaning to them, they might wonder: ‘then what now what?!?’; they might not even be able to think where to begin.”
I nodded but let her keep the stage of discerning reflection. It was enriching to me.
“Maybe,” she continued, “maybe if I am kind to them and I try not to waver my kindness…? …Oh, it might be I loose my patience with them! Maybe then i fall out of my mode of kindness. Then what?”
Silence returned.
“Then, then I need to give my kind of kindness to myself. Pick myself up and try again to be kind to her… or him.
Perhaps I could apologize? No? Yes, I could try that. I could say sorry for loosing my cool… mmm, without telling them they were to blame.”
I nodded hardly noticeably.
“If I were to tell them they should have been kind then that might be a questionably kind act. Telling someone to be kind, well it doesn’t seem kind, you think?”
Before I could consider breaking her flow, she unfolded her verbalized thinking further:
“So what to do?”
She looked at me and said:
“Would you then like to calmly state: ‘Act kind, I tell you…though, I am not going to tell you how to be kind …unkindly I think you are old enough and should know better. I believe my unkindness is justified, yours is not. I will not care how irrational I am in dealing with your irrational lack of kindness. and, moreover I want your kindness in my style immediately, unfalteringly, unconditionally all the time!’ Would you?”
“No.” I wanted to reply but she said it instead.
“I want to try my kindness and show my kindness. I want to lead by example, falter by being human, stand up and try again by being a learner.”
Then she hesitated and looked rather surprised with a new thought that popped up.
“Also, maybe I’m craving for his or her kindness? Maybe, just maybe this might be me not feeling confident about being ok not being liked by everyone.”
“Maybe if they don’t like me, this could be ok, while “not like (me)” is no valid reason for them to be blatantly, dehumanizingly crudely unkind to me either.”
She turned around and went on to play being my imaginary friend.
—animasuri’22
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(The video comes with a transcript below it)
